Motherhood, so far
Carter is 3 weeks old, and I can't really wrap my brain around that one. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was waddling around with this kid constantly hiccuping and kicking my organs? It really is amazing how instantly your life changes with the birth of a child. And how quickly they change day by day.
I mean, really?
Motherhood, oh motherhood. It's everything I dreamed of, and yet also so very unexpected in many ways. I thought I'd know a lot what it'd be like based on observing friends and family in the role, but I also predicted there was a lot I wouldn't (couldn't) know until I was there...and I was right. I won't go so far to say that I'm totally rocking this new gig, but I have to say I feel I'm adjusting *fairly* well. We are all in one piece, healthy and happy. That is an accomplishment. We won't go into the many tearful moments I've had, at least not yet.
One thing I never expected? The amount of love I'd have for this guy right from the start. Yes, I knew I'd love him unconditionally; I had already felt great love for my child while still in utero. But the moment Carter was placed on my chest? My heart swelled and I felt a new kind of love. It is an amazing feeling, and surpasses my wildest dreams. He is the perfect little man, and I stare at him in wonderment every day. Even in the wee hours of the morning when he is fussy or wants to eat yet again and all I really want to do is scream or cry. Thank goodness for love in those tough moments.
The timing with the holidays has made a surprisingly positive difference in these early days, as I haven't had many lone days stuck at home feeling overwhelmed. I worried about the timing before Carter was born, but fortunately those concerns proved unfounded. Sure, I may be exhausting myself a little keeping so busy. Yes, I'm not napping as often as I should, and was on my feet a lot. Laundry and household chores have gone wayside. But on the flip side, I have had countless people willing to sit and cuddle Carter, or bounce him to sleep, or feed us dinner, or keep us company. It's been a blessing. Over the holiday events with family, I think I only held Carter to feed him - otherwise he was in some auntie or cousin or grandma's arms. (I'm thankful for nursing, or I might have started to really miss the little guy.)
I'd love to say that I'm adjusting to the interrupted (or better yet, lack of) sleep, but I expect it'll take awhile. Or perhaps never, you wise mothers are probably saying under your breath as you read this. Carter has been a relatively easy baby. Not terribly fussy, as long as he is fed, dry, and has help getting to sleep. We have yet to figure out the magic solution to sleep, as he has had nights doing well in the bassinet, others in the swing, and most recently preferring to sleep in our arms. One night at about 6 days old, he gave us over 8 hours accumulated sleep, with a few wake ups to eat in between. I felt like a brand new woman. Another night, at about 10 days old, he slept in my arms on the couch for 5 hours straight without a peep. Woah. I think I'm averaging about 6 hours total sleep most nights, which isn't bad, but the interrupted sleep is getting to me. A few nights ago, Carter cried out from his bassinet, after I had just put him to sleep in it about 30 minutes prior. I jumped out of bed, grabbed him, and just stood there. Jon awoke and asked me what I was doing, and I said I was confused and didn't know. He suggested I go feed him, so I did. I recall thinking that I didn't have enough arms to do it all, staring at the empty bassinet as if there was more to do there. That was kind of scary, experiencing such confusion. Most other nights I wake up cradling a pillow and set it aside gingerly as if it were a baby to go pick up my crying baby in the bassinet. Just the other night, I frantically grabbed at Jon's leg thinking it was Carter suffocating under the blankets. We never have him in bed with us! I swear, I'm going nuts.
I also must look sleep-deprived, because I can't even keep track of the people that say to me, "Oh Lisa, you look tired." I take them as compliments that I'm doing a good job at being a mother of a newborn.
The lack of quality sleep sucks, and labor and delivery was hard and painful. But the worst I've experienced so far? The start of breastfeeding. No one talks about that part, about the sores and painful latches and constant feedings and worries about supply, all occurring while on little sleep and surging hormones. While Carter started nursing pretty easily right away in the hospital, I didn't know the latch was poor. Hence, the first week or so was very painful with blisters. I sobbed monster tears at almost each session, and hung onto Jon's encouraging words to get me through it. I dreaded the next session. Fortunately, I went to a lactation consultant a week in, and we turned a huge corner. Now at 3+ weeks, it is mostly pain free and we are doing well. I do often feel like nothing but a milk machine, but I look forward to the bonding with Carter. Now I need to get comfortable nursing outside of my comfort zone, like random benches at MOA or the backseat of our car in a parking lot.
Jon and I are making a pretty good team, and I'm loving watching him with Carter. They seem to have a special bond already. If I can't console Carter (aside from the boob, which I don't always offer if I know he can't really be hungry), I'll hand him to Jon. The instant Jon starts talking to him, he calms down and stares at him intently. It's the sweetest thing and melts my heart every time. Jon is back at work, so I try to manage the M-F nighttime shenanigans myself, but he will jump in to rock or diaper change whenever I ask for help. We also have a schedule that's working well for us, where he'll stay up with Carter until midnight or so (where ideally Carter is also sleeping but sometimes needs bouncing/rocking/patting/talking/swinging) while I go get a couple hours sleep. That way, the awake hours in the wee morning don't feel quite so torturous to me. I can't wait to watch their relationship blossom as Carter gets older.
There's plenty more I could say about motherhood so far, but considering this much has taken me over 8 days to get typed out, I'll end here for now. I can definitely now understand how people with newborns don't get much else done. You'd think all these hours he's sleeping would free me up to get all sorts of things done. But no. It's been a big adjustment for me to ignore everything else going on in the world (or my house) and just feed, bounce, and hold baby. I hope I start enjoying this new slower/focused pace!
I mean, really?
Motherhood, oh motherhood. It's everything I dreamed of, and yet also so very unexpected in many ways. I thought I'd know a lot what it'd be like based on observing friends and family in the role, but I also predicted there was a lot I wouldn't (couldn't) know until I was there...and I was right. I won't go so far to say that I'm totally rocking this new gig, but I have to say I feel I'm adjusting *fairly* well. We are all in one piece, healthy and happy. That is an accomplishment. We won't go into the many tearful moments I've had, at least not yet.
(I look dreadful here...the aftermath of labor and delivery and about 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours. But I just heart this first family selfie and how Carter is so alert)
One thing I never expected? The amount of love I'd have for this guy right from the start. Yes, I knew I'd love him unconditionally; I had already felt great love for my child while still in utero. But the moment Carter was placed on my chest? My heart swelled and I felt a new kind of love. It is an amazing feeling, and surpasses my wildest dreams. He is the perfect little man, and I stare at him in wonderment every day. Even in the wee hours of the morning when he is fussy or wants to eat yet again and all I really want to do is scream or cry. Thank goodness for love in those tough moments.
The timing with the holidays has made a surprisingly positive difference in these early days, as I haven't had many lone days stuck at home feeling overwhelmed. I worried about the timing before Carter was born, but fortunately those concerns proved unfounded. Sure, I may be exhausting myself a little keeping so busy. Yes, I'm not napping as often as I should, and was on my feet a lot. Laundry and household chores have gone wayside. But on the flip side, I have had countless people willing to sit and cuddle Carter, or bounce him to sleep, or feed us dinner, or keep us company. It's been a blessing. Over the holiday events with family, I think I only held Carter to feed him - otherwise he was in some auntie or cousin or grandma's arms. (I'm thankful for nursing, or I might have started to really miss the little guy.)
I'd love to say that I'm adjusting to the interrupted (or better yet, lack of) sleep, but I expect it'll take awhile. Or perhaps never, you wise mothers are probably saying under your breath as you read this. Carter has been a relatively easy baby. Not terribly fussy, as long as he is fed, dry, and has help getting to sleep. We have yet to figure out the magic solution to sleep, as he has had nights doing well in the bassinet, others in the swing, and most recently preferring to sleep in our arms. One night at about 6 days old, he gave us over 8 hours accumulated sleep, with a few wake ups to eat in between. I felt like a brand new woman. Another night, at about 10 days old, he slept in my arms on the couch for 5 hours straight without a peep. Woah. I think I'm averaging about 6 hours total sleep most nights, which isn't bad, but the interrupted sleep is getting to me. A few nights ago, Carter cried out from his bassinet, after I had just put him to sleep in it about 30 minutes prior. I jumped out of bed, grabbed him, and just stood there. Jon awoke and asked me what I was doing, and I said I was confused and didn't know. He suggested I go feed him, so I did. I recall thinking that I didn't have enough arms to do it all, staring at the empty bassinet as if there was more to do there. That was kind of scary, experiencing such confusion. Most other nights I wake up cradling a pillow and set it aside gingerly as if it were a baby to go pick up my crying baby in the bassinet. Just the other night, I frantically grabbed at Jon's leg thinking it was Carter suffocating under the blankets. We never have him in bed with us! I swear, I'm going nuts.
I also must look sleep-deprived, because I can't even keep track of the people that say to me, "Oh Lisa, you look tired." I take them as compliments that I'm doing a good job at being a mother of a newborn.
Jon and I are making a pretty good team, and I'm loving watching him with Carter. They seem to have a special bond already. If I can't console Carter (aside from the boob, which I don't always offer if I know he can't really be hungry), I'll hand him to Jon. The instant Jon starts talking to him, he calms down and stares at him intently. It's the sweetest thing and melts my heart every time. Jon is back at work, so I try to manage the M-F nighttime shenanigans myself, but he will jump in to rock or diaper change whenever I ask for help. We also have a schedule that's working well for us, where he'll stay up with Carter until midnight or so (where ideally Carter is also sleeping but sometimes needs bouncing/rocking/patting/talking/swinging) while I go get a couple hours sleep. That way, the awake hours in the wee morning don't feel quite so torturous to me. I can't wait to watch their relationship blossom as Carter gets older.
There's plenty more I could say about motherhood so far, but considering this much has taken me over 8 days to get typed out, I'll end here for now. I can definitely now understand how people with newborns don't get much else done. You'd think all these hours he's sleeping would free me up to get all sorts of things done. But no. It's been a big adjustment for me to ignore everything else going on in the world (or my house) and just feed, bounce, and hold baby. I hope I start enjoying this new slower/focused pace!
Such a great post! You are right that no one can prepare you for the love you will have for your own child, it is an amazing feeling! As for the poor latch, it is the worst thing ever. I went through that with Mason, had no idea that he wasn't latching correctly. Thank goodness for lactation consultants, they know some pretty amazing techniques and tricks to make things all better. Sorry about the lack of sleep, although I did laugh when I read that you grabbed John's leg thinking it was Carter. I think all moms can relate and I can say is it will get better.... but it may be quite a while. Hang in there, you are doing a great job. House work will wait, just enjoy this moments with your beautiful little boy! See you in a couple days, can't wait to get some Carter Snuggles!
ReplyDeleteI just had my 2nd baby at the end of Sept. and had forgotten how overwhelming the constant nursing can feel - but luckily it quickly gets easier and they eat a lot faster, you will probably notice this soon! Congratulations!! (p.s. I just came over from the Graceful Disaster blog, have been reading her for years...)
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