A new normal
I joked that after my maternity leave ended I would be back to normal life. I very much felt in limbo while on leave, knowing that it wasn't a permanent situation, that my weekdays home with Carter were numbered, and that I was on the cusp of a whole new reality for me. For us, I should say, as it's affecting Carter perhaps even greater than me. While I was sort of kidding about going "back to normal" (because nothing about a new life with a baby feels the same), I knew going back to work would bring some normalcy and much needed structure back into my life.
I loved my weeks home with him. LOVED. And I am so grateful we could afford me to do so. But at the same time, I am definitely feeling a bit more grounded and human now that I'm back at work. I hate saying that, as if I prefer to be working than home with my baby. I don't. But, if I am really honest, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a full time stay-at-home mom. And my career, though at times exhausting and annoying, is important to me. If I had a better balance of home and work I'd be extremely content, but we are making the best of what it is. I recently read about a global company that just instated a new maternity policy for their employees. 16 weeks paid leave, then 6 months of 30 hour weeks with full pay to spend more time with young children. They realized they spend less retaining good female employees and giving them more family time than having to hire new because new mothers can't/don't want to stay without accommodation. Smart. That we are the only first world nation to not have guaranteed paid maternity leave, and limited to 12 weeks FMLA, is ridiculous. I have more to say about this, but that's getting off topic here.
I'm sure if I were to be a stay-at-home mom I would do things differently than I did during my leave. ie. playdates, setting schedules, showering regularly, making time for myself, etc. to alleviate that "non-human" like feeling. But we don't have the option to be a one-income household right now anyways, even if that were my desire.
Carter has handled this transition rather well. After his first day home with Daddy, he wanted to nurse all night long. It was exhausting and yet so wonderful to have those extra minutes together. I didn't mind the reverse cycling one bit. He did go back to his 1 or 2 wake-ups a night pretty quickly, and is now only waking around 1am for a feeding. Oh sleep, it's pretty amazing. I'm so glad he has this nighttime sleeping down.
His first day at daycare on Monday was a bit rough. He cried. A lot. He fought sleep, and thus got very, very tired and cried. Some would probably call it a scream. His poor little voice was so hoarse that evening, and it hurt my heart every time I heard it. I know there is a learning curve for everyone involved, and that he isn't scarred for life by that tough day. I'm relieved that every day since has gotten better and better. Our provider (aka Jon's aunt) has figured out creative ways to get him to sleep, usually 2 hours at a time which is unfathomable to me! He would only nap that long with me if I was holding him and not moving a muscle. She is also learning his sweet little idiosyncrasies and preferences. And he, getting familiar with her, with all the other kiddos running around him, with his new surroundings, and frankly life without Mom. He has been a bit zombie-like when we pick him up, likely due to exhaustion and over-stimulation, but yet he always smiles when he sees either of us.
I am cherishing every minute of my mornings and evenings and weekends with him, and we are surviving our separation. I know life will feel easier with time and adjustment, until of course a new phase rocks our world (Can we say teething? He's drooling and chewing on his hands a ton, so I wonder if that is coming sooner than we think).
Today he is at my parents' house, and will be switching off between grandparents each Friday. I'm so grateful for this, and I look forward to sneaking over on my lunch break for some Carter snuggles.
TGIF, friends.
I decided to go back to work two days early which was I think the smartest decision I could have made. Jon took PTO to hang out with Carter those two days, giving them some sweet bonding time. Returning on a Thursday was a perfect transition. I only had to get through two days before I'd be with my sweet baby all weekend. That seemed tolerable.
The first day was all catch up and visiting and telling stories about my beautiful boy, and then it was Friday (a typically easier/relaxed day as is...and bagels!). After having just experienced my first Monday back, I'm glad it wasn't my first day leaving Carter. And, going back while my husband stayed home with him gave me an extra sense of peace during our first separation. I cried like crazy both mornings, but in the comfort of my own home. I was able to leave at my own pace...you know, after a thirtieth kiss, an extra squeeze, another smile, and definitely a touch up of my make up. All with absolutely no judgement or embarrassment (not that I'd expect my husband's aunt (our daycare lady) to make me feel either one). And bonus, I could text my husband as many times as I wanted to get updates and order him around as if I still had some control (put socks on him, for goodness sakes! he should be hungry about now. did he nap yet?). My dear husband knew how hard it was for me and sent me cute photos throughout the day. I still felt connected. This was key.
(All teary and not wanting to let go!)
(Reunited!)
The first day was all catch up and visiting and telling stories about my beautiful boy, and then it was Friday (a typically easier/relaxed day as is...and bagels!). After having just experienced my first Monday back, I'm glad it wasn't my first day leaving Carter. And, going back while my husband stayed home with him gave me an extra sense of peace during our first separation. I cried like crazy both mornings, but in the comfort of my own home. I was able to leave at my own pace...you know, after a thirtieth kiss, an extra squeeze, another smile, and definitely a touch up of my make up. All with absolutely no judgement or embarrassment (not that I'd expect my husband's aunt (our daycare lady) to make me feel either one). And bonus, I could text my husband as many times as I wanted to get updates and order him around as if I still had some control (put socks on him, for goodness sakes! he should be hungry about now. did he nap yet?). My dear husband knew how hard it was for me and sent me cute photos throughout the day. I still felt connected. This was key.
(Bossy from a distance)
Truth be told, I am mostly enjoying my time back at work. I suspect the "newness" of it will wear off and I'll dread having to work, but for now it's good. I truly loved and cherished my weeks home with Carter, especially as we were getting to know each other, learning this new mother/baby gig. I relished in those moments we shared, watching him grow and change by the minute. (and yeah, lounging in pjs all day, watching Netflix while we nursed (all day), not having to go out in the cold...all awesome too). But? I missed adult interaction. I missed using my brain for more than tracking diaper changes and feedings. I longed for car rides where I wasn't on pins and needles every time I had to stop at a light (he's fortunately grown out of those cries I believe). I had forgotten what it was like to eat lunch with both hands, sitting down, and at a decent pace. (And not PB&J - I will be taking a long hiatus from them for sure). I didn't always have/make time to shower or change out of spitted-up clothes or brush my teeth. I can't say I always felt human.
I'm sure if I were to be a stay-at-home mom I would do things differently than I did during my leave. ie. playdates, setting schedules, showering regularly, making time for myself, etc. to alleviate that "non-human" like feeling. But we don't have the option to be a one-income household right now anyways, even if that were my desire.
Carter has handled this transition rather well. After his first day home with Daddy, he wanted to nurse all night long. It was exhausting and yet so wonderful to have those extra minutes together. I didn't mind the reverse cycling one bit. He did go back to his 1 or 2 wake-ups a night pretty quickly, and is now only waking around 1am for a feeding. Oh sleep, it's pretty amazing. I'm so glad he has this nighttime sleeping down.
(This was a rare nap in his crib, not nighttime)
His first day at daycare on Monday was a bit rough. He cried. A lot. He fought sleep, and thus got very, very tired and cried. Some would probably call it a scream. His poor little voice was so hoarse that evening, and it hurt my heart every time I heard it. I know there is a learning curve for everyone involved, and that he isn't scarred for life by that tough day. I'm relieved that every day since has gotten better and better. Our provider (aka Jon's aunt) has figured out creative ways to get him to sleep, usually 2 hours at a time which is unfathomable to me! He would only nap that long with me if I was holding him and not moving a muscle. She is also learning his sweet little idiosyncrasies and preferences. And he, getting familiar with her, with all the other kiddos running around him, with his new surroundings, and frankly life without Mom. He has been a bit zombie-like when we pick him up, likely due to exhaustion and over-stimulation, but yet he always smiles when he sees either of us.
(I so appreciated this little update on his first day! She knows how to make a new mama feel better.)
I am cherishing every minute of my mornings and evenings and weekends with him, and we are surviving our separation. I know life will feel easier with time and adjustment, until of course a new phase rocks our world (Can we say teething? He's drooling and chewing on his hands a ton, so I wonder if that is coming sooner than we think).
Today he is at my parents' house, and will be switching off between grandparents each Friday. I'm so grateful for this, and I look forward to sneaking over on my lunch break for some Carter snuggles.
TGIF, friends.
Comments
Post a Comment